Have you ever struggled to write a scene because you were afraid to?
Not that the scene you’re trying to create is terrifying, or even part of the horror genre at all. But for some reason, just the thought of delving into it makes you hesitant?
I’m trying to write a scene for a standalone novel I’ve been working on, and every time I open up the document I get uncomfortable—and I don’t know why. It’s at a point where the action finally begins, where my main character is suddenly thrust into a world she did not believe existed, and is suddenly in survival mode. It’s a very active moment, and you’d think it would be one I’m excited to finally write after weeks of only having it in mind and listed as a brief description in my outline.
And I keep coming back to that question: why am I nervous about writing this scene? It’s not as if anyone is looking, or will even be reading it for a while. Is it because it’s an important moment? Am I feeling the pressure of pulling my readers into the story and making them believe they’re right there with my character?
Is it some strange, subconscious maternal instinct for my first novel (How DARE I work on something else when my baby isn’t even published, yet!)? Am I feeling bad for finally moving on from something I’d worked so long on?
Or is it Writing Anxiety? If it is, it’s an odd point in my life to suddenly start experiencing it so strongly. I keep telling people that if all goes well, I’ll have not one, but two books getting published this year (yes, one is a children’s book, but that still counts!), and I have several smaller projects that I’m very excited about showing to readers in the years to follow (or even in the coming months). To all intents and purposes, this should finally, at long last, be my year.
But maybe that’s it, after all. Maybe I’m so close to finally feeling successful in my field that I’m subconsciously trying to sabotage it—trying to stop myself before I can truly start, which sounds like just the kind of stunt my subconscious mind would try to pull. Because maybe this feeling of euphoria is just a fluke; because maybe I’m not as good as I’m finally starting to feel I am. Maybe this is nothing more than imposter syndrome rearing its ugly head yet again in my life.
I honestly don’t know why I’m telling you this, but it’s basically my thing: when I have something weighing heavily on my mind, I write. If I don’t write, it just sits there and festers, and grows heavier, until it’s almost impossible for me to think of anything else. Writing it out, pulling it out of my mind and setting it onto a blank page, alleviates that pressure. Even now, my heart rate is beginning to settle.
Night Owls, have you ever felt this way? As a fellow writer / creator / artist, have you occasionally found yourself hesitating in the face of doing something you should enjoy? What is that? How do you deal with it?
Hello!
I’m intrigued by your mention of the “imposter syndrome”. I recently heard an interview with American researcher, Kevin Cokley and it was very interesting. He is very accomplished yet struggles with this idea himself. My simplified conclusion after listening to the interview is that this imposter idea, or feeling like “you’re not all that” can be turned around: it keeps you working hard and also keeps you humble. These two ideas help you to do your best and to not become arrogant. You’ll continue to strive and succeed while remaining your kind-hearted, humble best self.
Thank you, Care Bear! 🙂 It’s interesting you should mention that interview, actually, because I’ve recently heard something similar (I forgot where exactly it came from, or who said it–it may have even been Kevin Cokley). It wasn’t just the idea that imposter syndrome keeps you humble: it’s that, especially in an artistic field, you are continually learning and growing and honing your craft because, basically, you never feel like you’ve reached that point of perfection! It’s definitely a more refreshing way to look at it…